Why I Need to Write

Okay, so people did warn me it would be hard to be a mom, and that my life would never be the same again. But they couldn't really give specifics. I asked: "Is it the lack of sleep?" "Changing endless dirty diapers?" "Not having time with your partner?" No, it was none of those things. They would smile and say, "You'll see." I had my own set of fears.

I have come to learn over the past nine months that the reason no one can explain how being a mom will change your life, is that it effects us all in different ways. Some of the things I worried about aren't huge issues. I don't mind the diaper changes, even when I was using cloth, and the dear one pooped seven times a day. I don't mind playing "drop the spoon off the highchair" over and over again. Yes, my marriage is totally different, and I miss the intimacy, but raising this child together has added a whole new facet to our relationship.

But, there are so many things I wasn't expecting! It started with pregnancy, which I didn't enjoy. Then when the baby got here, the crying, crying, crying every evening for hours. And what I call the squawking. All the time. Every diaper change, every time shoes go on, every time he gets in the car, and for a million other reasons. And the loneliness of not having a grown-up to talk to. And the mind-numbing monotony. And hearing over and over from people who meet him in public what an easy baby he is.

I only have one person in my life who seems to get how I feel. She doesn't live near me, but I can call her any time. I don't have a lot of friends with kids, so I go to classes and playgroups. I talk to moms, but no one seems to be having as hard a time as I am. Yes, they are sleep deprived, and miss their old friends, but they seem to have so much joy. I do feel joy with this wonderful little person, but sometimes I feel pain, sadness, and fear.

It's only on the internet that I have found women who talk about feelings like I sometimes have. And thank goodness for their honesty. Without them I would just be sitting here feeling like the worst mother in the world. I will continue to be honest with moms I meet in real life. Sometimes I can see in their eyes that life isn’t all hunky-dory. And I want to write honestly here about being a mom, the good and the bad.